"i'd love to say all those feelings made me feel immediately wonderful, but what they made me feel most immediately was incredibly stupid. eventually i got past the stupid part, chalked a whole lot up to experience and lessons learned and felt wonderful about it. then that too passed, and i felt terrified, especially after i called him and invited him down for a visit and had no real clue what the hell i was inviting him for.
he visited. it was wonderful, and as he was leaving, i still had no idea what i wanted or what i was doing. until he drove away. and then i knew. oh, the drama of it all.
the lights started blinking, all the drums pounded, all the world stopped as i stood coughing from the exhaust fumes, and realized that the person i wanted to share the rest of my life with -- the person who i really already had spent a great deal of my life with -- had a fairly unmemorable license plate, and i had really lousy timing.
now, in fiction or the movies, it may have ended that way. think casablanca, and ingrid bergman with that soft little tear in her eye, but with ratty bed hair. but this is my incredibly convoluted and perplexing life, and in life, unlike the movies, we don't have poignant endings, we have bizarre beginnings that go in a thousand different directions, and an exceedingly unpredictable plot no one in their right mind would try and follow.
yet we do have singly defining moments which, when i'm at my peak, i see the significance of eventually."
[heather corinna: love with the proper familiar]